The Catch-22 of Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men
Have you ever found yourself asking, “Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable partners?” You're not alone—and you're certainly not broken.
There’s a deep irony (and pain) in being drawn to emotionally unavailable men: you never truly have to be vulnerable with them, because they're not capable of holding space for it. Their lack of emotional availability creates a dynamic where you’re never asked to open up in the first place.
On the surface, this might feel safer—especially if vulnerability has felt dangerous or led to hurt in the past. But here's the catch-22: because these men aren't able to offer emotional safety or consistency, there's also little potential for the kind of loving, healthy commitment you may consciously desire.
So... Why Am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?
If this is a pattern for you, there's a good chance it’s connected to some deeper stuff—usually early attachment wounds that didn’t get the care and healing they needed at the time.
Our bodies are smart. Even when our conscious minds say, “I want love! I want connection!” our nervous systems can still be operating from past experiences—like abandonment, rejection, or inconsistent love. That old hurt doesn’t just disappear; it lives in the body, often in subtle ways we don’t even realize.
So we adapt. We learn to protect those tender, unhealed parts of ourselves. Sometimes that protection looks like being attracted to people who can’t meet us emotionally—because that feels safer than risking real vulnerability.
The Illusion of “Safety” with Emotionally Unavailable Men
Here’s the twist: when you’re with someone who isn’t emotionally available, it can feel familiar, even comforting on a nervous system level. There’s no risk of being fully seen, or hurt, because they’re not even offering the chance.
You may say you want a deep, connected relationship—and you probably do!—but your body might still be in protection mode. And that protection can look like choosing people who can’t go deep with you.
It becomes a kind of self-fulfilling loop: we crave intimacy but keep choosing people who make sure we never really have to experience it.
How to Start Shifting the Pattern
The first step isn’t fixing or forcing anything. It’s just getting curious and being super gentle with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What does emotional availability feel like to me?
When I think about someone really seeing me, what comes up?
Where might my body still be holding onto old fears around love, rejection, or abandonment?
Healing these patterns often means going back to the source—meeting those younger, more vulnerable parts of you with love, patience, and compassion. It’s nervous system work. It’s emotional work. It’s deep, but it’s worth it.
And the most important part? It’s possible. For you. Right now.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Becoming
Attracting emotionally unavailable partners doesn’t mean you’re doomed in love. It means your system is still doing what it thinks it needs to do to keep you safe. And now that you’re becoming more aware of it, you can begin to choose differently.
You can show up for yourself in a new way. You can heal the parts of you that learned love meant chasing or proving. You can become emotionally available—to yourself, first—and eventually to someone who’s ready to meet you there. It’s a journey, and it’s not always linear. But every step you take is a step toward real love. The kind that’s safe. Reciprocal. Soul-nourishing.
And yes—it's totally possible for you. 💛
Want help healing the root of this pattern? You don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re navigating a recent breakup and need guidance, we understand how difficult it can be to heal and move forward. That’s why we’re excited to introduce the ✨ Empowered Women’s Break Up Reset Group ✨, a supportive and empowering space designed specifically for Millennial and Gen Z women looking to heal after a breakup.
Led by Alison Printz, LCSW, this 8-week group provides a safe, compassionate environment to process your emotions and take actionable steps toward healing.
Group Details:
Start Date: Wednesdays, Starting 4/16
Time: 5:30-6:15 PM
Duration: 8 Weeks
If you're ready to heal, grow, and reconnect with your empowered self, this group is here for you.
Interested in working together either
individually or in a group?
Book a free call and see if we’d be a good fit.